What The Heck is Wellness? A Guy's Take on Acupuncture
It’s been a while since I last had acupuncture. And by a while, I mean never. Never ever. No thanks. I mean, why would I take precious time out of my busy schedule of wondering what sandwich I’m going to get for lunch, only to get stabbed with a bunch of needles? -- Like, one needle isn’t bad enough?? Let’s do a bunch! -- Not for me, I thought, but here we are. And you might be asking yourself, why in the world did this seemingly reasonable dude say yes to this? Well, it goes back to the same reason I’ve done anything smart in my life- my wife told me to.
To be an acupuncturist, you must be an educator. I mean, the idea of it all seems crazy enough but to actually let a stranger decorate your face with needles like you’re that dude from Hellraiser can be a pretty hard sell. Then, I met Angela from Magnolia Wellness and fell easily under her spell. She has the type of gentle confidence that makes you start nodding your head before she’s had time to finish talking. Soothing and smart, she carefully explained meridian lines and energy balance in a way that this first timer was at ease with such a foreign concept.
The space at Magnolia Wellness is how you imagine it. “Wellness” exudes a certain image and this place follows suit. More shades of off-white than I knew existed, mixed with thoughtful pops of beige and pink gave a warm but super clean vibe. It smelled like the minerally goodness of the innermost aisles in Whole Foods and had more than a few crystals carefully scattered about for good measure. A soothing mix of sounds that, when combined, seemed like a longer-than-usual intro to an Enya song that never quite makes it to the chorus. The few employees of Magnolia float through the space with genuine smiles and can see straight into your soul, or maybe it’s just kindhearted eye contact that never happens organically in Los Angeles, either way, it’s kinda nice.
Before we started, we took a simple test. Well, it was simple for me as all I did was sit there. Angela used a wizard’s wand of sorts and touched a few points on my hands and feet. The Acugraph scan is a test meant to determine energy dynamics in various parts of the body. As a guy who eats more than a few cheeseburgers, then happily washes it down with far too much craft beer, and ends up working on a bike more than riding it, I figured the results would be disastrous and set off so many alarms that this little device would start smoking, setting off the sprinklers in the whole complex. So, I was pretty surprised when my results came back with a fairly balanced cardio/respiratory system. The problem I was having was with digestion, which, in hindsight, I didn’t need a fancy fortune telling machine to tell me that.
I sort of just figured that every forty-two-year-old dude who was still keeping up with the “cool kids” felt this way: sore, tired, unmotivated, tired, quick to stress, tired, weird stomach stuff, and, well, just so, so tired.
Once she knew what ailed me, we were ready for the torture to begin. I have some tattoos (#noragrets) so I thought I knew what I was in for. Angela had me feel the needles we would be using, and they were far thinner and more flexible than I had imagined. So, as I laid there wondering how I ended up in such a predicament, I was truly surprised to learn that we had already started. Don’t get me wrong, she let me know we would be beginning, I just figured there would be a very noticeable stabbing noise as she hammered needles into my skull. Instead, when she asked if I am doing ok, I finally noticed that there was something dangling off my forehead. Not quite the piercing I imagined, but more akin to when too much time has gone between haircuts and a longer stray hair is quietly jabbing you in the forehead. Definitely not painful, just sort of “there”.
Then came my favorite part: nothing. Once she had placed all the appropriate needles, Angela instructed me to lay still and calm for about 15 minutes. I don’t know about you, but I never give myself time to rest during the day. Sure, they tell you its good for you and you know you should treat yourself better, but c’mon, who gives themselves time for a nap? But when it's doctor orders, it’s a little different.
After my serene mid-day snooze, I went home but remained skeptical about the treatment. Even though Angela walked me through some of the finer points of acupuncture’s desired effect of tackling the condition as opposed to treating the symptoms, I still had my doubts. How can a bunch of needles I barely felt in my skin have any connection with digestion? I had just about dismissed the whole experience when I started to feel it. Sort of shifting at first, and not unpleasant, soon there was a whole science experiment happening inside my stomach. It was like I had an intestine transplant. I could literally feel digestion happening. Then, I could hear it. Not to get gross or anything, but have you ever heard digestion? Its wild. Like an old truck that’s been on blocks in the driveway that finally turns over. And let me tell you, friends, the rumbling of this 1977 F250 could be heard down the street.
Already satisfied with some “quantifiable changes” in the bathroom, the next day brough a whole new set of results. I felt good. A very simple observation but one that shook me to my core. Sure, I felt fine for a long time but now I actually felt good. I woke up early and WANTED to get out of bed. That alone was alarming, but when I got up, I WANTED to go for a bike ride. I was walking around all day like I had a steady stream of cold brew mainlined into my veins, preaching to anyone who was in earshot about magic needles.
Now, I’m not going to pretend like I know exactly what happened inside my body, but I can tell you this: I feel good. Not “good” like I’m on mushrooms at Burning Man listening to some dude wearing a tunic tell me how the Mayans invented cell phones, but good good. Real good. Healthy good.
You know that feeling when you kicked ass at work and you get home in time to cut the grass only to remember you did that yesterday, so with the extra time, you fire up the grill, crack open a garage beer, and put your feet up? That’s how I felt for the few days following acupuncture.
This was my first attempt at wellness and so far, I’m a fan. I’m ready to schedule my follow up, in fact, I’m looking forward to it. Hell, I might even pick up some crystals too.
Miah Smith is a content writer and breakfast burrito connoisseur. Not necessarily in that order.